non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.