I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
