I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize