Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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