I think I died a long time ago.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.