Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.