sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?