i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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