I wish i was in the wii world.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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