I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
