Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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