I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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