I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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