I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
