Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
