You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
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I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
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By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT