$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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