I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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