His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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