it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
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He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
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I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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