I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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