you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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