I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
