I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
