"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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