ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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