put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
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Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My vagina is officially offended.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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