so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
