someone threw a dead crab at me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.