Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
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okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
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BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"