I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
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I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."