My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Bring me that man meat
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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