best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
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just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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