I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
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is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
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A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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