if i can run in heels then i can drive
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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