i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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