So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
