He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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