i think my tv is drunk
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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