My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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