Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
