I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar