Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"