Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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