My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How's work?
Spinning.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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