I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
