I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
