When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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