You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
