im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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