Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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