Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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