I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
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a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
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I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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