I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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