Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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